2013 landed as a result of many hard changes made in the last years.
1. The most important change is that, in the period between my last posts and now, I changed my approach on my mental issues. I changed therapist and type of therapy, quit medications and labels. I am just a woman trying to make piece with herself. My new therapist was with me for more than a year, and used some Buddhists thoughts in his practice. What an amazing thing it is to be able to understand the present and at least to grasp the concept of abstracting yourself from the past or future's influences. The notion we have about past and future is probably wrong and created by a sick ego. I can't change anything but what I'm about to do in this instant, so why to devote energy to mistakes that are already done or situations that haven't arrived yet?
2. I'm not in Hawai'i anymore. Back to Brazil, my homeland. I arrived in January, exactly 3 months ago. This last 3 months haven't served me to anything than to take me from my structured life and to throw me back to chaos. Here I am fighting against the emulation of my mom's own behavioral problems. Our relationship suffers with this fight. It is almost too much to bare. In Hawai'i, in the last year, I was finally able to have a good happy life. I was fulfilled with my routine, biking everywhere, hiking every weekend, learning to play cello, working out in an amazing gym. All was healthy and a reflection of myself, except with work. The workplace was amazing, but it wasn't what I planned to be doing.
3. Something good happened last week, when I acted out on a whim. I went to Florianópolis, a beautiful city on the south of Brazil. In many ways, it reminded me of Hawai'i's life style. What attracted me the most is the combination of the beach/nature/laid-back attitude and the somewhat urban behavior that suggests Floripa is not a lost part of the world (as I felt Hawaii was). Now I'm really thinking about getting a job over there. Here's the decision to make: do you prioritize lifestyle over career promisses? Or you sacrifice yourself living in stress so that in the future you can enjoy a better lifestyle? The answer to that starts with asking yourself what a career really means.
A successful career represents reaching my full potential. Can't I reach my full potential in a quiet environment without the glory of the big companies and big salaries? Shamefully, with that question I understood that I am afraid of regretting my life, of looking back and regretting my choices. I don't want to be a sad 50-year old. Also, I don't want to be mediocre; I want to die fighting for better days. I don't want to have a life of someone that has given up.
What a revelation. I am full of prejudice and wrong ideas. Refocus, Fran, refocus. Forget the anxiety for the future and the learned fears from the past, and I'll have a clear choice: I want to enjoy life while living, to build a healthy life that is like me. There is no models; the way to do it is to adapt, provoke change, grow, and challenge my fears, all in its time, constantly, calmly.
4. In Floripa, another nice surprise: I rekindled a friendship from college. He was the one who makes people laugh, the "socialist", the pothead. Don't get me wrong, I was a little like that too, and most of the time that we saw each other we were surrounded by empty beer bottles. But I knew there was more to him than this; I just couldn't figure out what. I came to know a little bit more about him. He's traveled by himself to Argentina, hitchhiked and slept in a hammock strapped on a truck in the snow-cold, and lived on a green self-sustainable farm for a month. Maybe it was his careless personality, but something magical happened. I never laughed so loosely with someone that I wasn't so close. It was liberating. Our humor was smart and silly at the same time, and filled my veins with creativity. I felt I could be myself; I was not afraid.
Although the sex and laughs were out of this world, what stroke me the most about him was something more subtile: his kindness. I am fed up with guys that just can't show any feelings. Guys that come in and out of my life as does the mailman or the call center attendant: nothing is ever personal. Guys that managed the art of making sex something not personal. My friend, on the other hand, hugged me and called me pretty and locked eyes with me. I guess I felt wanted and loved, and to my surprise, I barely remembered how that felt.
He awoke my eyes to the simple concept that is someone liking me, simply, no games, no guessing. See, once someone shows you interest, then you can finally stop the guessing game. You can stop fearing that you're going to have another robottic relationship.
How surprising it was to discover that I have been holding my guard up so tightly that a moment of sympathy felt like fire warming the frostbites after a cold night in the open of the Arctic.
My history with relationships is that they hold me back. The people I once "loved" were instigating a life of convenience that was an opposite force against my dreams. So I fear my romantic feelings with the same intensity I am protective of the person I want to become.
I believe my friend and I have mutual feelings now. I also believe that, in this case, I should turn my brain off for a second and just feel.
