Ok, I need to post this. After all that day yesterday, crying at work and wanting to die, I dragged myself into the gym. The result was amazing. I was another person, happy, calling my friend, talking for one hour about future and possible changes.

My friend made me feel like myself again, because there was no preconceived judgments put on the table, just comforting and advising. No pressures, no responsibilities, just that look to our lives and what we want from it, in the big picture.

At the same time, talking to him was like having to carry alone the weight of being sick. No sharing. No excuses. No whining and asking for help. No feeling too fragile to stand up. And it was good. It is an exercise I should practice more frequently.

There are some people that are against the doctor's attitude of labeling us constantly as sick persons, because it would turn us into hopeless and desperate people. And people without hope don't seek for the strength to get better, rather, they try to commit suicide. Will A bipolar person be sick for the rest of their life?

Negativism

It's been some time since I don't write. Summarizing what happened: my new psychiatrist decided to discontinue the Zyprexa. I complained about feeling tired all the time and gaining 20 pounds in 3 - 4 months. He said he thinks the medication is too strong for me. I've been feeling great, last week specially. I exercised, I was happy. But this week it's like everything is back.

I stayed home on monday and tuesday.I just didn't want to get out. Then I got stuck. I stayed home, laying on my bed, watching tv for 48 hours. What a waste.

Then I had an argument with my boyfriend. I don't even know exactly why. He needed some time, I gave it to him. I feel like I'm too much for the ones I love to deal with. I'm a hurting machine, that keeps exhausting who dares to come close.

Again, all I say to myself is "I just want to die", wishing I had the guts. I imagine myself ingesting those pills, all at once, having a heart attack. Then I picture myself hanging from that big tree by the bus stop. I should do it. I should do it. I should do it.

My boyfriend doesn't believe in my sickness. He thinks I'm taking too long to heal. He doesn't see improvement. He's sick and pissed with all this situation. He said he needs to cure himself now. From me.

Now I'm trying to work and my mind is stuck in negativity. I start a logo, and even the first tentative is repulsing.

My life is going nowhere. That's who I am, a failure.