Negativism

It's been some time since I don't write. Summarizing what happened: my new psychiatrist decided to discontinue the Zyprexa. I complained about feeling tired all the time and gaining 20 pounds in 3 - 4 months. He said he thinks the medication is too strong for me. I've been feeling great, last week specially. I exercised, I was happy. But this week it's like everything is back.

I stayed home on monday and tuesday.I just didn't want to get out. Then I got stuck. I stayed home, laying on my bed, watching tv for 48 hours. What a waste.

Then I had an argument with my boyfriend. I don't even know exactly why. He needed some time, I gave it to him. I feel like I'm too much for the ones I love to deal with. I'm a hurting machine, that keeps exhausting who dares to come close.

Again, all I say to myself is "I just want to die", wishing I had the guts. I imagine myself ingesting those pills, all at once, having a heart attack. Then I picture myself hanging from that big tree by the bus stop. I should do it. I should do it. I should do it.

My boyfriend doesn't believe in my sickness. He thinks I'm taking too long to heal. He doesn't see improvement. He's sick and pissed with all this situation. He said he needs to cure himself now. From me.

Now I'm trying to work and my mind is stuck in negativity. I start a logo, and even the first tentative is repulsing.

My life is going nowhere. That's who I am, a failure.