Information:
- "During maniac and hypomaniac states, judgment takes a backseat to impulsive urges".
- "When you're maniac or hypomaniac, it is easy to convince yourself your'e cured or thaht you were misdiagnosed and don't need medication. Do your best to comply with your treatment plan and not give in to such thoughts."
Both sentences from the book Bipolar Disorder: Demystified, by Lana R. Castle
Thoughts: I remember how many times I cut my own hair moved by a incontrollable impulse. The urge was so strong that most of the times I was not able to wait for an appointment at the salon. My hair had all shapes and colors during my teen age.
Another impulsive behavior I'd repeated is that I'd always call sick at work in a impulse to protect myself, wanting to stay at home because I was depressed.
The problem about impulsive decisions is that they don't give us a chance to question why. I believe that some of the times I had called sick I was just tired, and if I had gave myself some time to think about it, I'd force myself to go to work like every person does. But the impulse was coming from a fear of going to work depressed and starting to cry while looking at the computer screen, or making a huge effort to look fine when I was not. During depressing times I also get very annoyed by certain behaviors that I usually disagree, but know I have to live with. Like the sexism at work. All the women have to deal with it, but during depressive times it hits me like a rock thrown at my face.
Routine: A few weeks ago I've cut my hair at 3 am. I woke up so unquiet and I needed so much to DO something that this seemed to be the perfect thing to do. I was lucky that the haircut turned on fine. After that, I was able to relax and sleep again.
Also, I called sick three days. It was not ok, because I'm sure my boss was disappointed, even though he knows my situation. I feel guilty because I did that. I hear myself calling me "lazy", saying to myself I was "overreacting" and that maybe all my bipolar/add thing was just a lie and I should be ashamed. I even felt bad taking the medication as if I did not need it.
When my common sense accuse myself of faking, my first move is to remember how bad and desperate I was 2 months ago.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Going crazy
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Thoughts: What changed from before the medication to now was that I did not cry. I did not reached the bottom. Which was disturbing, because the crying was one of the signs that made me realize in the past I was not ok. Now I was sort of ok, but I was terribly mistaken about my condition, which prevent me from acting against it.
I thing I can say I was not so fragile or so tired (I took a semester break from my master), so my brain was able to transform thoughts into actions (drawing, writing). At the same time, I learn through therapy and a lot of thinking that I need to exercise my craft, so that's what I did the whole day.
To what extension is drawing being productive? I felt I was productive, but reality was I did not work or went out of my cubicle the whole day. However, I was able to work on my craft that was so debilitated.
Routine: Yesterday was an interesting day. I woke up, went running and swimming. I felt tired. I changed my clothes, got ready, but I felt I could not leave my house. I called sick at work. I overeat. I spent the day drawing and watching tv. The things I watched were interesting, like the documentary about Noam Chomsky at Hulu. I felt inspired.
Then, the other polo. I called my boyfriend and argued. I was sure I wanted to brake up. I was sure this was the best decision. It might be, who knows, but I was anxious to do it. He - smartly - called me to say he was not in the mood for a talk, which was the reason for more arguments.
Now I know I'm not gonna make money as I should simply because there is not a lot of time left in the week to reschedule everything (this is the second day of the week I stay home). Now I face a tired boyfriend. What was the most amazing thing is that I thought I was ok; however looking at the mess I created, I rather believe this is not normal.
But in the end I thought I was going crazy.
Thoughts: What changed from before the medication to now was that I did not cry. I did not reached the bottom. Which was disturbing, because the crying was one of the signs that made me realize in the past I was not ok. Now I was sort of ok, but I was terribly mistaken about my condition, which prevent me from acting against it.
I thing I can say I was not so fragile or so tired (I took a semester break from my master), so my brain was able to transform thoughts into actions (drawing, writing). At the same time, I learn through therapy and a lot of thinking that I need to exercise my craft, so that's what I did the whole day.
To what extension is drawing being productive? I felt I was productive, but reality was I did not work or went out of my cubicle the whole day. However, I was able to work on my craft that was so debilitated.
Routine: Yesterday was an interesting day. I woke up, went running and swimming. I felt tired. I changed my clothes, got ready, but I felt I could not leave my house. I called sick at work. I overeat. I spent the day drawing and watching tv. The things I watched were interesting, like the documentary about Noam Chomsky at Hulu. I felt inspired.
Then, the other polo. I called my boyfriend and argued. I was sure I wanted to brake up. I was sure this was the best decision. It might be, who knows, but I was anxious to do it. He - smartly - called me to say he was not in the mood for a talk, which was the reason for more arguments.
Now I know I'm not gonna make money as I should simply because there is not a lot of time left in the week to reschedule everything (this is the second day of the week I stay home). Now I face a tired boyfriend. What was the most amazing thing is that I thought I was ok; however looking at the mess I created, I rather believe this is not normal.
But in the end I thought I was going crazy.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I have a creative job. I'm a graphic designer. Sometimes it feels like a blessing, but the fact is that it's very difficult to control my mind and make it productive. A creative job requires a constant flow of ideas and a persistent will to translate them into language - in my case, the visual language. It demands a frequent exercise of the craft involved: computer skills, drawing, painting, eye training.
Just think about how difficult it is to stabilize this work flow when you suffer from bipolar and ADD. When I'm in the hypomania state, my thoughts are so fast, I want to accomplish so many projects, that it all ends in a humongous frustration. It is not possible to follow the pace of my brain. Also, the ADD comes into the picture making me loose track of time, lifting me from the reality, loosing myself in my own little world with dozen of voices speaking at the same time.
Actually, it is very hard to distinguish what symptom is from what disorder. They are so combined and work so together that I can only have a clue. At least for now, while I'm still learning my diseases.
Today, for example, I woke up anxious because I'd have to interact with one client this morning. I did not want to talk to anybody. I ended up canceling all my work outside and working on a project at home. I had progress. I feel I reached a good level in this project. But it was a battle that took me the whole day, and it is not finished yet. I got so nervous and anxious that I eat peanut butter bread, chocolate, and ice-cream. When the frustration was too much, I'd watch 2 hours of TV. I did not exercise. And the fact that I stayed home just creates a huge nervousness ball for tomorrow morning, ready to explode, because I will have to leave my isolation.
The positive side was that I kept my research and efforts to something that is useful (my work), rather than random subjects, as I used to do. It was a conscious decision, made of hours of therapy. "Try to channel your energy and take advantage of your excitement". That's what I thought to myself.
Tomorrow my plan is to wake up early and go running and swimming, so that I break my isolation with a good energy. Exercise makes my brain more positive. Then I hope to be ready to work with no complications.
I did fail by staying at home. I've learned in therapy that I should not think about frustration, but to focus in the next step (don't think about the fact I'd have to see someone, just go take a shower, change my clothes, and so on). If I keep avoiding to deal with my fear, I'll damage my work relationships, and the whole point is to enter in a healthy, responsible adult life.
Just think about how difficult it is to stabilize this work flow when you suffer from bipolar and ADD. When I'm in the hypomania state, my thoughts are so fast, I want to accomplish so many projects, that it all ends in a humongous frustration. It is not possible to follow the pace of my brain. Also, the ADD comes into the picture making me loose track of time, lifting me from the reality, loosing myself in my own little world with dozen of voices speaking at the same time.
Actually, it is very hard to distinguish what symptom is from what disorder. They are so combined and work so together that I can only have a clue. At least for now, while I'm still learning my diseases.
Today, for example, I woke up anxious because I'd have to interact with one client this morning. I did not want to talk to anybody. I ended up canceling all my work outside and working on a project at home. I had progress. I feel I reached a good level in this project. But it was a battle that took me the whole day, and it is not finished yet. I got so nervous and anxious that I eat peanut butter bread, chocolate, and ice-cream. When the frustration was too much, I'd watch 2 hours of TV. I did not exercise. And the fact that I stayed home just creates a huge nervousness ball for tomorrow morning, ready to explode, because I will have to leave my isolation.
The positive side was that I kept my research and efforts to something that is useful (my work), rather than random subjects, as I used to do. It was a conscious decision, made of hours of therapy. "Try to channel your energy and take advantage of your excitement". That's what I thought to myself.
Tomorrow my plan is to wake up early and go running and swimming, so that I break my isolation with a good energy. Exercise makes my brain more positive. Then I hope to be ready to work with no complications.
I did fail by staying at home. I've learned in therapy that I should not think about frustration, but to focus in the next step (don't think about the fact I'd have to see someone, just go take a shower, change my clothes, and so on). If I keep avoiding to deal with my fear, I'll damage my work relationships, and the whole point is to enter in a healthy, responsible adult life.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The beginning
I will not introduce myself, say my favorite color or where I live. I want to focus on a more deep layer of myself. The only useful information now is my diagnoses. I was diagnosed within about two months ago with having (or being) Bipolar Disorder Type II, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and depression.
My treatment now consists of weekly visits to the psychologist, biweekly visits to a psychiatrist, and a combination of two medications: Cymbalta and Zyprexa, one pill of each every day. The first one is for depression and the second one is a "mood stabilizer", for the bipolar disorder. I was told that this is still not the final dosage.
Before starting with both medications, I was taking Ritalin, prescribed by my former psychiatrist. I am a foreigner in USA, with no insurance, so I tried to reach out to the professionals I knew. I was diagnosed 6 years ago with ADD and depression, and took Zoloft for a while and tried out the Ritalin. However, I decided to stick to one medication, quitting Ritalin before I could even feel any results.
My current psychiatrist wants to know me more before prescribing anything for ADD. He said he wants to make sure, so he advised me to quit Ritalin so that they (the doctors) could observe better the effects of the other medication. Fact is I am feeling my thoughts racing sometimes and it feels uncontrollable. It might be the Bipolar acting, but I am still to figure this out.
The other day I bought some books: "Bipolar Disorder Demystified" and "Finding Your Bipolar Muse", both by Lana R. Castle; and You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!, by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. By reading those books I will attempt to cross the information with my personal experience, to ultimately learn how to live - for the first time.
My treatment now consists of weekly visits to the psychologist, biweekly visits to a psychiatrist, and a combination of two medications: Cymbalta and Zyprexa, one pill of each every day. The first one is for depression and the second one is a "mood stabilizer", for the bipolar disorder. I was told that this is still not the final dosage.
Before starting with both medications, I was taking Ritalin, prescribed by my former psychiatrist. I am a foreigner in USA, with no insurance, so I tried to reach out to the professionals I knew. I was diagnosed 6 years ago with ADD and depression, and took Zoloft for a while and tried out the Ritalin. However, I decided to stick to one medication, quitting Ritalin before I could even feel any results.
My current psychiatrist wants to know me more before prescribing anything for ADD. He said he wants to make sure, so he advised me to quit Ritalin so that they (the doctors) could observe better the effects of the other medication. Fact is I am feeling my thoughts racing sometimes and it feels uncontrollable. It might be the Bipolar acting, but I am still to figure this out.
The other day I bought some books: "Bipolar Disorder Demystified" and "Finding Your Bipolar Muse", both by Lana R. Castle; and You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!, by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. By reading those books I will attempt to cross the information with my personal experience, to ultimately learn how to live - for the first time.
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