I have a creative job. I'm a graphic designer. Sometimes it feels like a blessing, but the fact is that it's very difficult to control my mind and make it productive. A creative job requires a constant flow of ideas and a persistent will to translate them into language - in my case, the visual language. It demands a frequent exercise of the craft involved: computer skills, drawing, painting, eye training.

Just think about how difficult it is to stabilize this work flow when you suffer from bipolar and ADD. When I'm in the hypomania state, my thoughts are so fast, I want to accomplish so many projects, that it all ends in a humongous frustration. It is not possible to follow the pace of my brain. Also, the ADD comes into the picture making me loose track of time, lifting me from the reality, loosing myself in my own little world with dozen of voices speaking at the same time.
Actually, it is very hard to distinguish what symptom is from what disorder. They are so combined and work so together that I can only have a clue. At least for now, while I'm still learning my diseases.

Today, for example, I woke up anxious because I'd have to interact with one client this morning. I did not want to talk to anybody. I ended up canceling all my work outside and working on a project at home. I had progress. I feel I reached a good level in this project. But it was a battle that took me the whole day, and it is not finished yet. I got so nervous and anxious that I eat peanut butter bread, chocolate, and ice-cream. When the frustration was too much, I'd watch 2 hours of TV. I did not exercise. And the fact that I stayed home just creates a huge nervousness ball for tomorrow morning, ready to explode, because I will have to leave my isolation.

The positive side was that I kept my research and efforts to something that is useful (my work), rather than random subjects, as I used to do. It was a conscious decision, made of hours of therapy. "Try to channel your energy and take advantage of your excitement". That's what I thought to myself.

Tomorrow my plan is to wake up early and go running and swimming, so that I break my isolation with a good energy. Exercise makes my brain more positive. Then I hope to be ready to work with no complications.

I did fail by staying at home. I've learned in therapy that I should not think about frustration, but to focus in the next step (don't think about the fact I'd have to see someone, just go take a shower, change my clothes, and so on). If I keep avoiding to deal with my fear, I'll damage my work relationships, and the whole point is to enter in a healthy, responsible adult life.