I wish you could see me now. There is nothing that will calm me down. I can't concentrate, and so far I wrote incessantly my last name in a piece of paper and made two small cuts on my wrist with a scissor that was near by. That does not sound good.
I keep watching the clock and 1pm just does not come. Why am I cutting myself? I'm trying to convince myself that all this is too hard. I'm trying to tell myself that I can't take 7 hours of work without collapsing. I need a break. Or do I need to hang on?

Accept yourself

Ok, after a series of missed work days, I decided to go to work today. I dragged myself. Slug again. I had a anxiety attack, called my sister, she picked me up and I went to therapy.
There I heard two very important advices.
1. Never forget to take your pills or your body will collapse.
2. Accept who you are. You are bipolar and HDAD. Period. There is nothing you can do or change in yourself that will influence this fact. It is not a matter of changing yourself, but managing this (the disease) part of your life.

I felt relief. So until now I've been working in the wrong direction? Yes, you have.

I also learned to make fun of myself. This I'll have to practice. :)

I have decided to stop for a while with my readings about the disease. I'm fed up with it. I'm tired.
I've been thinking about how I'm dealing with my life, how I'm exhausting my partner and myself. I wish I could just pretend I'm not sick.
When you are sick of something that is invisible, intangible, feels like you came up with it. Feels like it is all a great invention and the cure is just a matter of deciding not to pretend anymore.
I didn't go to work again. Two days in a roll. I feel tired, dragging myself around.
What can I do?
I talked to my mom on the phone and she described me how she feels sometime. It's just the same reactions. I need to remember that this is a disease, and this is the proof. Many people feeling the same is not a coincidence. It is not a matter of stop pretending.
My mom and my sister have been telling me about finding something to believe. I don't intend to find out if there is a god. I intend to believe in our self-suggestions, so I decided to research about meditation. On the last psychotherapy session we did a relaxation. I loved it. I makes the world stop for a second.

Curious Cat

One of the things that I did during an excitement / anxious state.

Emergency Plan

Information: Make a emergency plan for those days you feel overwhelmed with emotions like anxiety. Write it down and make sure is very visible for when you freak out. Then, breath and follow the instructions.
Thoughts: I've been dominated by my emotions. I feel so anxious and sometimes so sad that I don't want to leave my house to work. It is like having a list of excuses not to leave. I don't know if it is a vicious pattern that I created over the time living with depression or if it is just chemical imbalance.
Then, of course, I act on things I should not. I don't go to work, I eat sweets like crazy, I don't exercise. Then I think of hurting me.
It is a cicle. A vicious cicle. I need to stop it right when I start feeling anxious. That's why I must have an emergency plan.
Routine: I ate to much. I didn't go to work. I didn't exercise. I drank a lot of diet coke (caffeine). I thought about starting up a business. To many things and feelings stirred in a dense broth. My emergency plan that I wrote on my board is: 1. Take a shower, 2. Go for a walk, 3. Eat fruits, 4. Don't think about the near future, just focus on the steps to get there. The order is important. Take a shower and then go for a walk gives the skin a refreshing sensation.

_______________

Uptades from 2013: until today I'm trying to perfect the "emergency plan". However, it's been a long time since I don't manage to get out of a sadness state with the help of the plan.

The plan shrunk. It is basically a very disciplined step: get out and exercise. If not able to exercise, at least get out of the house. It works like magic. The secret is to turn deaf to anything that my mind throws at me as an excuse. The most frequent excuses are that I didn't eat right during the day, so I can't exercise, or that it too late, or that I just don't want people to see me. IGNORE.

Another good step that I recently added is to listen to a motivating song. One that makes me want to go do something. It also helps by allowing me to go out, but at the same time to keep in a "safe" mental environment, that feels like isolated, but it's not.

I still need to find a way to be quicker on my recovery. What I experienced that really helps is to have a ROUTINE and stick to it. Structure helps a lot, because it makes evident when something changed and I need to watch out.

Meet her, the depression

Metamorphosis

Everything seemed fine. The world was colorful, but now is black and white again. I have the knowledge, so I should be able to change this "bad mood". I should be able to be optimistic again. But today I feel like a fat, depressive woman. I have no energy. No will. I feel fragile like a weak stick of a sick branch. I feel fogged. There is nothing in me that is entire and certain.

Because I'm so little today, I don't have the power to strike back. I'm in slow motion, I'm a slug.

If I turn on the computer and start to work, I get hyperactive. I want to do 10 things at the same time, but a slug can only do so much.

I think about hurting me, about killing me, and a relief fulfill my emptiness. But I know I can't hurt myself.

All I can think is "I can't believe I fell for this again". And here I am. Taken apart from myself. Muddy, slimy slug.