Today is Tuesday. It means that yesterday was a hard day to get out of bed. Every Monday I succumb to a wave of low energy and willingness to avoid life. I not only avoid going to work, But I avoid thinking. I turn off my cellphone, I watch tv the whole day. I don't shower, I don't brush my teeth. And then, when the day has passed and it's time for Tuesday to welcome the morning, I know I'll have to fight to move. Literally, I get so anxious and scared of the day that I don't even move.

Well, after the morning was almost gone I finally looked at my schedule and saw that there was no way to excuse myself from my obligations today. I have to work, then go to therapy, then try to exercise, then go to work again.

I'm writing from work. It is still 1pm. I've been here for 1 hour and I already can't take it. This low energy is trying to suck me in, to drag me to the floor.
Let's see how the rest of the day works.

Ok, I need to post this. After all that day yesterday, crying at work and wanting to die, I dragged myself into the gym. The result was amazing. I was another person, happy, calling my friend, talking for one hour about future and possible changes.

My friend made me feel like myself again, because there was no preconceived judgments put on the table, just comforting and advising. No pressures, no responsibilities, just that look to our lives and what we want from it, in the big picture.

At the same time, talking to him was like having to carry alone the weight of being sick. No sharing. No excuses. No whining and asking for help. No feeling too fragile to stand up. And it was good. It is an exercise I should practice more frequently.

There are some people that are against the doctor's attitude of labeling us constantly as sick persons, because it would turn us into hopeless and desperate people. And people without hope don't seek for the strength to get better, rather, they try to commit suicide. Will A bipolar person be sick for the rest of their life?

Negativism

It's been some time since I don't write. Summarizing what happened: my new psychiatrist decided to discontinue the Zyprexa. I complained about feeling tired all the time and gaining 20 pounds in 3 - 4 months. He said he thinks the medication is too strong for me. I've been feeling great, last week specially. I exercised, I was happy. But this week it's like everything is back.

I stayed home on monday and tuesday.I just didn't want to get out. Then I got stuck. I stayed home, laying on my bed, watching tv for 48 hours. What a waste.

Then I had an argument with my boyfriend. I don't even know exactly why. He needed some time, I gave it to him. I feel like I'm too much for the ones I love to deal with. I'm a hurting machine, that keeps exhausting who dares to come close.

Again, all I say to myself is "I just want to die", wishing I had the guts. I imagine myself ingesting those pills, all at once, having a heart attack. Then I picture myself hanging from that big tree by the bus stop. I should do it. I should do it. I should do it.

My boyfriend doesn't believe in my sickness. He thinks I'm taking too long to heal. He doesn't see improvement. He's sick and pissed with all this situation. He said he needs to cure himself now. From me.

Now I'm trying to work and my mind is stuck in negativity. I start a logo, and even the first tentative is repulsing.

My life is going nowhere. That's who I am, a failure.

I wish you could see me now. There is nothing that will calm me down. I can't concentrate, and so far I wrote incessantly my last name in a piece of paper and made two small cuts on my wrist with a scissor that was near by. That does not sound good.
I keep watching the clock and 1pm just does not come. Why am I cutting myself? I'm trying to convince myself that all this is too hard. I'm trying to tell myself that I can't take 7 hours of work without collapsing. I need a break. Or do I need to hang on?

Accept yourself

Ok, after a series of missed work days, I decided to go to work today. I dragged myself. Slug again. I had a anxiety attack, called my sister, she picked me up and I went to therapy.
There I heard two very important advices.
1. Never forget to take your pills or your body will collapse.
2. Accept who you are. You are bipolar and HDAD. Period. There is nothing you can do or change in yourself that will influence this fact. It is not a matter of changing yourself, but managing this (the disease) part of your life.

I felt relief. So until now I've been working in the wrong direction? Yes, you have.

I also learned to make fun of myself. This I'll have to practice. :)

I have decided to stop for a while with my readings about the disease. I'm fed up with it. I'm tired.
I've been thinking about how I'm dealing with my life, how I'm exhausting my partner and myself. I wish I could just pretend I'm not sick.
When you are sick of something that is invisible, intangible, feels like you came up with it. Feels like it is all a great invention and the cure is just a matter of deciding not to pretend anymore.
I didn't go to work again. Two days in a roll. I feel tired, dragging myself around.
What can I do?
I talked to my mom on the phone and she described me how she feels sometime. It's just the same reactions. I need to remember that this is a disease, and this is the proof. Many people feeling the same is not a coincidence. It is not a matter of stop pretending.
My mom and my sister have been telling me about finding something to believe. I don't intend to find out if there is a god. I intend to believe in our self-suggestions, so I decided to research about meditation. On the last psychotherapy session we did a relaxation. I loved it. I makes the world stop for a second.

Curious Cat

One of the things that I did during an excitement / anxious state.

Emergency Plan

Information: Make a emergency plan for those days you feel overwhelmed with emotions like anxiety. Write it down and make sure is very visible for when you freak out. Then, breath and follow the instructions.
Thoughts: I've been dominated by my emotions. I feel so anxious and sometimes so sad that I don't want to leave my house to work. It is like having a list of excuses not to leave. I don't know if it is a vicious pattern that I created over the time living with depression or if it is just chemical imbalance.
Then, of course, I act on things I should not. I don't go to work, I eat sweets like crazy, I don't exercise. Then I think of hurting me.
It is a cicle. A vicious cicle. I need to stop it right when I start feeling anxious. That's why I must have an emergency plan.
Routine: I ate to much. I didn't go to work. I didn't exercise. I drank a lot of diet coke (caffeine). I thought about starting up a business. To many things and feelings stirred in a dense broth. My emergency plan that I wrote on my board is: 1. Take a shower, 2. Go for a walk, 3. Eat fruits, 4. Don't think about the near future, just focus on the steps to get there. The order is important. Take a shower and then go for a walk gives the skin a refreshing sensation.

_______________

Uptades from 2013: until today I'm trying to perfect the "emergency plan". However, it's been a long time since I don't manage to get out of a sadness state with the help of the plan.

The plan shrunk. It is basically a very disciplined step: get out and exercise. If not able to exercise, at least get out of the house. It works like magic. The secret is to turn deaf to anything that my mind throws at me as an excuse. The most frequent excuses are that I didn't eat right during the day, so I can't exercise, or that it too late, or that I just don't want people to see me. IGNORE.

Another good step that I recently added is to listen to a motivating song. One that makes me want to go do something. It also helps by allowing me to go out, but at the same time to keep in a "safe" mental environment, that feels like isolated, but it's not.

I still need to find a way to be quicker on my recovery. What I experienced that really helps is to have a ROUTINE and stick to it. Structure helps a lot, because it makes evident when something changed and I need to watch out.

Meet her, the depression

Metamorphosis

Everything seemed fine. The world was colorful, but now is black and white again. I have the knowledge, so I should be able to change this "bad mood". I should be able to be optimistic again. But today I feel like a fat, depressive woman. I have no energy. No will. I feel fragile like a weak stick of a sick branch. I feel fogged. There is nothing in me that is entire and certain.

Because I'm so little today, I don't have the power to strike back. I'm in slow motion, I'm a slug.

If I turn on the computer and start to work, I get hyperactive. I want to do 10 things at the same time, but a slug can only do so much.

I think about hurting me, about killing me, and a relief fulfill my emptiness. But I know I can't hurt myself.

All I can think is "I can't believe I fell for this again". And here I am. Taken apart from myself. Muddy, slimy slug.

Implusiveness and auto judgement

Information:
- "During maniac and hypomaniac states, judgment takes a backseat to impulsive urges".
- "When you're maniac or hypomaniac, it is easy to convince yourself your'e cured or thaht you were misdiagnosed and don't need medication. Do your best to comply with your treatment plan and not give in to such thoughts."
Both sentences from the book Bipolar Disorder: Demystified, by Lana R. Castle

Thoughts: I remember how many times I cut my own hair moved by a incontrollable impulse. The urge was so strong that most of the times I was not able to wait for an appointment at the salon. My hair had all shapes and colors during my teen age.

Another impulsive behavior I'd repeated is that I'd always call sick at work in a impulse to protect myself, wanting to stay at home because I was depressed.

The problem about impulsive decisions is that they don't give us a chance to question why. I believe that some of the times I had called sick I was just tired, and if I had gave myself some time to think about it, I'd force myself to go to work like every person does. But the impulse was coming from a fear of going to work depressed and starting to cry while looking at the computer screen, or making a huge effort to look fine when I was not. During depressing times I also get very annoyed by certain behaviors that I usually disagree, but know I have to live with. Like the sexism at work. All the women have to deal with it, but during depressive times it hits me like a rock thrown at my face.

Routine: A few weeks ago I've cut my hair at 3 am. I woke up so unquiet and I needed so much to DO something that this seemed to be the perfect thing to do. I was lucky that the haircut turned on fine. After that, I was able to relax and sleep again.
Also, I called sick three days. It was not ok, because I'm sure my boss was disappointed, even though he knows my situation. I feel guilty because I did that. I hear myself calling me "lazy", saying to myself I was "overreacting" and that maybe all my bipolar/add thing was just a lie and I should be ashamed. I even felt bad taking the medication as if I did not need it.

When my common sense accuse myself of faking, my first move is to remember how bad and desperate I was 2 months ago.

Going crazy

Information: searching...

Thoughts: What changed from before the medication to now was that I did not cry. I did not reached the bottom. Which was disturbing, because the crying was one of the signs that made me realize in the past I was not ok. Now I was sort of ok, but I was terribly mistaken about my condition, which prevent me from acting against it.

I thing I can say I was not so fragile or so tired (I took a semester break from my master), so my brain was able to transform thoughts into actions (drawing, writing). At the same time, I learn through therapy and a lot of thinking that I need to exercise my craft, so that's what I did the whole day.

To what extension is drawing being productive? I felt I was productive, but reality was I did not work or went out of my cubicle the whole day. However, I was able to work on my craft that was so debilitated.


Routine: Yesterday was an interesting day. I woke up, went running and swimming. I felt tired. I changed my clothes, got ready, but I felt I could not leave my house. I called sick at work. I overeat. I spent the day drawing and watching tv. The things I watched were interesting, like the documentary about Noam Chomsky at Hulu. I felt inspired.
Then, the other polo. I called my boyfriend and argued. I was sure I wanted to brake up. I was sure this was the best decision. It might be, who knows, but I was anxious to do it. He - smartly - called me to say he was not in the mood for a talk, which was the reason for more arguments.

Now I know I'm not gonna make money as I should simply because there is not a lot of time left in the week to reschedule everything (this is the second day of the week I stay home). Now I face a tired boyfriend. What was the most amazing thing is that I thought I was ok; however looking at the mess I created, I rather believe this is not normal.


But in the end I thought I was going crazy.

Anxiety 2

Anxiety 1

I have a creative job. I'm a graphic designer. Sometimes it feels like a blessing, but the fact is that it's very difficult to control my mind and make it productive. A creative job requires a constant flow of ideas and a persistent will to translate them into language - in my case, the visual language. It demands a frequent exercise of the craft involved: computer skills, drawing, painting, eye training.

Just think about how difficult it is to stabilize this work flow when you suffer from bipolar and ADD. When I'm in the hypomania state, my thoughts are so fast, I want to accomplish so many projects, that it all ends in a humongous frustration. It is not possible to follow the pace of my brain. Also, the ADD comes into the picture making me loose track of time, lifting me from the reality, loosing myself in my own little world with dozen of voices speaking at the same time.
Actually, it is very hard to distinguish what symptom is from what disorder. They are so combined and work so together that I can only have a clue. At least for now, while I'm still learning my diseases.

Today, for example, I woke up anxious because I'd have to interact with one client this morning. I did not want to talk to anybody. I ended up canceling all my work outside and working on a project at home. I had progress. I feel I reached a good level in this project. But it was a battle that took me the whole day, and it is not finished yet. I got so nervous and anxious that I eat peanut butter bread, chocolate, and ice-cream. When the frustration was too much, I'd watch 2 hours of TV. I did not exercise. And the fact that I stayed home just creates a huge nervousness ball for tomorrow morning, ready to explode, because I will have to leave my isolation.

The positive side was that I kept my research and efforts to something that is useful (my work), rather than random subjects, as I used to do. It was a conscious decision, made of hours of therapy. "Try to channel your energy and take advantage of your excitement". That's what I thought to myself.

Tomorrow my plan is to wake up early and go running and swimming, so that I break my isolation with a good energy. Exercise makes my brain more positive. Then I hope to be ready to work with no complications.

I did fail by staying at home. I've learned in therapy that I should not think about frustration, but to focus in the next step (don't think about the fact I'd have to see someone, just go take a shower, change my clothes, and so on). If I keep avoiding to deal with my fear, I'll damage my work relationships, and the whole point is to enter in a healthy, responsible adult life.

The beginning

I will not introduce myself, say my favorite color or where I live. I want to focus on a more deep layer of myself. The only useful information now is my diagnoses. I was diagnosed within about two months ago with having (or being) Bipolar Disorder Type II, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and depression.
My treatment now consists of weekly visits to the psychologist, biweekly visits to a psychiatrist, and a combination of two medications: Cymbalta and Zyprexa, one pill of each every day. The first one is for depression and the second one is a "mood stabilizer", for the bipolar disorder. I was told that this is still not the final dosage.

Before starting with both medications, I was taking Ritalin, prescribed by my former psychiatrist. I am a foreigner in USA, with no insurance, so I tried to reach out to the professionals I knew. I was diagnosed 6 years ago with ADD and depression, and took Zoloft for a while and tried out the Ritalin. However, I decided to stick to one medication, quitting Ritalin before I could even feel any results.

My current psychiatrist wants to know me more before prescribing anything for ADD. He said he wants to make sure, so he advised me to quit Ritalin so that they (the doctors) could observe better the effects of the other medication. Fact is I am feeling my thoughts racing sometimes and it feels uncontrollable. It might be the Bipolar acting, but I am still to figure this out.

The other day I bought some books: "Bipolar Disorder Demystified" and "Finding Your Bipolar Muse", both by Lana R. Castle; and You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!, by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. By reading those books I will attempt to cross the information with my personal experience, to ultimately learn how to live - for the first time.